"i know what it's like to want to die,

how it hurts to smile, how you�try

to fit in but you�can't...� how you

hurt yourself�on the�outside to try

to kill the thing on the�inside..."

~girl, interrupted

i feel like i am turning into a monster...a horrible, horrible monster...i keep attacking everyone who comes around me...i can't control my anger...i got into a fight with my mom the other day and i felt the desire to hurt myself returning...i believed that if i hurt myself that everything would be better...i kicked the door...that didn't help...i threw the phone i was on when i was fighting with her...that didn't help...so i started punching my school books...i did this until my hand was numb...i felt a little better, but still had some frustration left in my body...friday the same thing happened...i got into a fight with my mother...except this time i knew what i had to do to help myself...i got my knife and i sliced angry red gashes into my leg...fifteen of them...i watched the blood bead and then run down my leg...i just sat and cried and hated what i have become...i despise myself and i don't know why...i tear myself apart to try to feel better, but all it does is bruise and scar me, resulting in more hatred for myself...i get picked on because i never wear shorts or bathing suits...i use my medication as an excuse and everyone accepts it...if only they all knew what was hiding beneath my jeans and my perfect smile...there is nothing there but sadness...