"carpe diam" means "seize the day" in some language i don't know...moses told me that's his motto...moses is a guy i work with...he asked me today why g. and i aren't together and why i've been single for so long and why i won't give anyone else a chance...i couldn't explain how no one can compare...how no matter how hard i try, i will never find someone who will replace him...or how i'm afraid to allow myself to love again...moses told me to just walk up to g. and tell him how i feel about him...that i love him and that i don't feel what i feel with him when i'm with anyone else...he is so sure that it will work...but i know g. better...he would just look at me and shake his head and say "i DON'T think we should be together"...i can picture it now...and i don't think i could take the rejection right now...i honestly think that it would push me over the edge...i can feel the tension building already...on the 23rd this month it will be one year from the day he broke up with me...i look back and i wonder if i had walked into the bar with him that night instead of turning away to hide my tears if i would be laying in bed beside him sound asleep in his arms at this very moment...it eats away at me to wonder what could have been if i had been stronger...but i guess i was meant to be the "ex-girlfriend" i'm introduced as...uhhh...thanks, ben...i'm still hoping that with time everything will workout...for the better...