i realize that i have been very neglectful...i am sorry...school and work have both been keeping me extremely busy...but not busy enough it seems...it's the time in between those two places that i have time to sit and think...think about how miserable i am in spite of the happy exterior...i put on a show for everyone around me...i wonder how g. thinks of me...he saw me twice this weekend laughing and having a good time with friends...but he knows how i really am...i wonder if i confuse him...but even more, i wonder if he cares...it has been a month since i last cut...i am very proud of myself...but the question is, how long can i stay this good? how long will it be before i am pushed over the edge again? last thursday rachael (my mom's and mine roommate) called 911 saying she was going to kill herself...she is still in the mental ward in one of the local hospitals...they are going to send her to an actual institution this week...they tell my mom that rae is bi-polar and depressed...she is on all kinds of medications, but still can't stop crying...it bothers me that someone so close is like that...it should me me in that hospital...one day, hopefully soon, and hopefully not too late, i will have the courage to face my fears and my problems and see a doctor...a real doctor, not the lame ass lady that work sent me to...hopefully it won't be too late...